Sunday, June 1, 2014

How I am REALLY doing.

I am back, haven't posted in nearly a month, I have been kind of quiet because things have been going pretty good around here AND because I just haven't been sure of how open I wanted to be about things anymore.  Things have changed so much since December.  When I was first diagnosed, I was so ready to take this on, had a big ambitions about sharing my story.. changing the world and then once you start treatment, radiation and now chemo it kind of takes over your life.   Doctors appointments, blood draws, medication to take daily, not feeling yourself.  I think I did pretty well through radiation and now the thought of chemo for a full year, maybe longer is tiring.  Add on top of that, about two months ago I was robbed at gunpoint in front of my kids (the incident that I talked about a few months back) I just wasn't sure how much I wanted to share.  I kind of just wanted to live in my house in a bubble with Jamie and the boys.  I think anybody that went through everything we have been through would probably feel the same.  

I kind of dreaded the first few times going out and seeing people.  Going to birthday parties knowing that people would be seeing me for the first time.  The awkwardness of wondering if they would be trying to see if they could tell I was wearing a wig, if they would talk about my health or just act like nothing was different.  When people did ask about my health I would always and still always just give the same generic response "I am hanging in there, tired but definitely hanging in there".  If you were lucky and I was in a good mood and not about to loose it crying I may have talked with you about more specifics of radiation or chemo but usually I feel I am two words away from a breakdown so I just go to my fool proof "hanging in there".  

The truth is I am "hanging in there" in fact I am doing better than that.  The hardest part is that I feel I always am trying to stay positive, there are just so many things everyday that lead me to thoughts I don't want to think.  I am constantly trying to keep my mind in a good spot.  For the most part I do really good, usually we are so busy with boys you hardly have time to think of anything else but little things just hit me right in the heart.  Mother's Day was hard, wondering how many Mother's Days I will have.  Seeing people post on Facebook photos of their grandmas, people posting about missing their moms that have passed away, seeing generations of mom's together.  Recently in Wisconsin there were two different car accidents in which a mom and dad were killed leaving behind their young kids.  Seeing people post about how they feel for the kids because they themselves lost their mom or dad when they were young and how they have no memories of them and how it was hard growing up with only one parent.  Seeing people post about anniversary's of their parents passing, people who lost their mom when they were in their early 20s and seeing how hard that was on them and how much that has affected them.  Then thinking to myself, is it better for your kids if you die while they are young so they just can move on and maybe not have memories of you or is it better for your kids if you die when they are in their 20s so they have you longer but your death might be so much harder on them?  And what about Jamie, what would be easier for him?  Ugh.....I just hate this.  I know the obvious answer is to keep doing what I am doing and keep kicking this tumor's ass and be around forever and that is my plan.  That is my mind set but I just have to keep focusing on that non stop to keep my mind there. 

I have numerous friends who are pregnant now, who are reading this right now I am sure! :)  I am SO happy for them.  We were done with two kids so it's not like I was really wanting more but I can't help but think they are still on the upswing of life and I am kind of on the downhill.  Not just my pregnant friends but most people around me.  Job promotions, new houses, etc it just seems like everyone around me is still enjoying life and that it's getting better and better and for me it's just about maintaining, if that makes sense?  This better not make anyone that I am close with feel weird about telling me exciting things going on in their lives because I am absolutely 100% happy for everyone around me, I am not jealous in any way but I just feel different.  Like I have peaked, I am over the hill.  

I hope this isn't coming off as that I am depressed because that is NOT the case.  I am just trying to open up about what it's really like in my head right now.  If you saw me you would know that I am doing really good, it's just that i have a lot going on in my head all the time.  Many of these thoughts above I have shared with no one, including Jamie because I don't think this way often.  It's just impossible NOT to think that way sometimes. 

BUT for the other 90% of my day I am doing great.  I feel really good.  The first month of chemo KICKED MY BUTT but this past month was not bad at all.  Hoping the rest of the months are as easy as this past month.  The boys are so cute right now.  They are actually playing with each other more and more every day.  They still fight a ton but to see them when they get along just melts my heart.  I feel like in the last 2 weeks I have really gotten back into the groove.  My patience seems to be back, I am back to keeping up with the boys, keeping them busy all day, having the energy to do fun spontaneous things with them.  I feel so much more like myself lately and that is amazing.  Owen has been extra adorable lately.  When he talks to me he is always smiling so big he can barely talk.  I can barely stand to listen to him because I just want to snuggle him!  Thankfully Owen is my snuggler.  He will still wake up from a nap and run into the family room and run right into my arms and sit on my lap and snuggle me.  Even though he's almost six and his legs are so long, he still fits so perfectly in my lap.  Jacob is so goofy these days and is talking a ton!  Anytime Owen isn't in the same room as him he will constantly say "where Owen".  I love hearing his little footsteps running around the house and when he comes into a room I am in he instantly says "hi mom" in the cutest little laugh.  I am so blessed to have those two little munchkins in my life. 

Jamie and I are doing good too.  Yesterday we went on a date to the Harbor House and had such a nice time.  Jamie, my hubby of VERY few words took time at the end of dinner to tell me how proud he is of me and how I am handling everything.  I cried and then we couldn't leave until I composed myself because we knew people that were sitting in the bar.  We planned to go mini golfing after dinner but I was too tired, maybe next time.  :)  We have our ten year anniversary in September and are trying to plan a small get away in August just the two of us.  We haven't been anywhere in SO long and I am pretty sure we deserve a few days away to relax. 

So that's that.  I blog that really shows how I am feeling.  I got a message from friend the other day.  Her husband had seen me and told her that I looked "really good and healthy".  That just made my day because that is how I feel.  So my battle continues on.  This week coming week I just need to go in for a blood draw and then on June 12th I go back in for my second MRI to see what the tumor looks like.  I am already kind of nervous for this, actually mostly nervous for the dye to go through my IV during the MRI since we had such issues with it last time but nervous obviously for the MRI results.  I feel confident though that it will be good news that everything still looks stable. 

So I will just keep chugging along, trying to keep up with my two loves!  Speaking of the boys (well including Jamie I have THREE loves) here are  few photos.

Thanks again to everyone for all the love and support!

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