Evening Tears Again

Ok, so I may need to start typing my blogs earlier in the day.  I didn't type one up last night because I was tired and crying and I feel the same way tonight but need to pull myself together.  Not sure why these last two nights have been so hard on me.  I wake up feeling so good and positive and feel that way for most of the day and then by like 7pm I just want to curl up in a ball with a box of kleenex and cry for awhile.  Unfortunately or fortunately (however you look at it) 7pm is time to start getting both boys ready for bed so there is no time to sit and sulk but it's been a little rough the last two nights.  I am definitely feeling fatigue set in now.  I thought that maybe it was just the stress of the weekend and Jacob being sick but now I am thinking it's most just me starting to feel the fatigue from the radiation.  I got a really good nights sleep last night and was able to nap for an hour today, woke up with a huge spot of drool on my pillow which I can only assume means it was a good nap. :)

I think the fact that you have to go to the hospital EVERY day is part of the exhaustion.  Not that going there is exhausting, I LOVE everyone there but it's just a reminder EVERY single day that you are sick.  It will be nice when I am done with radiation and/or chemo and you can go a week or a month without a doctor's appointment.  Possibly allow yourself to forget for a few days about your health issues and just enjoy a normal day with your kids.  A day where you don't have thoughts about how you might not see them graduate high school and how you most likely will never meet their children.  These thoughts are so hard not to think about sometimes and they just SUCK.  They creep into my mind on nights like tonight and last night.  I try to reign myself back in, focus on today.  Owen and Jacob are FIVE and ONE, why am I thinking about their high school graduation and their kids, they are still babies themselves but it's hard not to let your mind go there sometimes.  Agh, I am almost embarrassed to be sharing that with you.  i just love them and Jamie so much.... SO MUCH.

....and this is why I contemplated not blogging again tonight because I knew I would talk about that and now here I sit sobbing in front of my computer.  Trust me I KNOW it's okay to cry. I get it, I just hate doing it. Okay, got that out of my system, onto happier thoughts....

Tomorrow should be a really fun day. 

 I am sure there will be lots more tears.  I have radiation at 10:15 and then I am heading to Madison with my sister, sisters in law and Jamie's mom.  My mom will be coming down from Madison as well.  My Godmother Rosemary has been sweet enough to offer to drive her there.  My mom is still recovering from her double knee replacement and we haven't been able to see each other since her surgery and my radiation started so I am so happy she will be able to be there.  Lindsey from Whitney Hair and Wellness has SO generously offered me a wig.  I am so excited to meet Lindsey, she sounds like an amazing woman and I am so blessed that she has reached out to me. I will be sure to post lots of pictures so stay tuned for my update tomorrow night.  I am so excited about this wig.  My hair hasn't fallen out yet but it will within the next week or so and with it looking like I will be starting a long chemo treatment following my radiation, this wig will be worn for awhile so I can't wait to see it!  

We met with a nutritionist today.  She was AMAZING and gave us lots of good tips on things to do to help keep my energy level up and just a whole list of super foods that I should be incorporating into my diet.  Will be heading over to Trader Joe's to stock on lots of fresh goodies.  Need to grab some protein powder to put in my fruit smoothies, grab some chewable calcium supplements and want to grab some electrolyte tablets to throw in my waters.   Why is water SO boring to drink?  Also, my doctor decided to up my steroids again.  She just wants to see if this curbs my headaches.  I hope it stops the headaches too, they are annoying and make me worry about what's going on in my head.  So fingers crossed that my headaches go away and that my face doesn't balloon up again, I feel like it was just starting to go back down a little bit.  But I guess better to have a puffy face than a seizure!  

I am so happy to hear of others doing random acts of kindness.  I experienced a few of them myself. First off, yesterday my friend Carrie came over to take me to lunch, target and then to pick Owen up from school.  She brought along a package for me that was sent to her from one of her high school friends that she had lost touch with over the years.  This friend, Gina mailed a care package to Carrie to give to me that included some awesome things.  It was so unexpected and thoughful of her.  I LOVE the amazing scarf, I immediately put it on and wore it to lunch!  Thank you SO much Gina, even my mother in law that was here when we opened it was crying.  So generous and kind of you!

Then my door bell rang yesterday and I opened the door to find a very nice man standing there holding a shoe box addressed to me.  He said it was a package from Sunbeam Kids.  I immediately started crying, poor guy probably didn't see that coming. He was SO sweet though and gave me the nicest hug.  I went inside and opened the box with the boys and it was the most amazing pair of mittens for everyone in our family that were handmade by a local mom.  Thank you Jen so much, they are absolutely AMAZING!

 There is also a pair for Owen but they are in Jamie's truck still and it's way too cold to run out there right now in my pajamas to grab them. :)   I think I cried for about 20 minutes after opening this package.  SO sweet.

And a huge thanks to everyone that has dropped off meals this week too!  Nanci, Kimmie, Jenny - they have all been delicious and very appreciated!  

Both boys were at school/daycare today and both boys had GREAT days.  It is SO nice to have them back into the swing of things.  We are thinking of putting Jacob in a second day a week, he currently only goes once but he's a very busy and active kid and we are wondering if he might benefit from being with a group of other kids twice a week, especially while I am going through treatment and getting more and more tired.  Seems weird to me, like I should be enjoying every second I have with him BUT my energy is low and this long winter isn't helping. I feel like another week of being stuck inside and he may literally start climbing our walls.  Owen is all excited for his Valentine's day party tomorrow.  I tried to get him to sign all his Valentine's but we made it through six.  Jacob decided that at that very moment he needed my full attention and was screaming and throwing crayons at me which was distracting Owen and then Owen started writing his letters out of order which made HIM mad so them Owen started crying.  So I started a movie for Jacob, plopped him on the couch while I helped Owen sign a few more and then Jacob came back over so I gave up.  So my big decision for tonight, when I sign the other 20 Valentine's myself, do I attempt to make it look like Owen signed them or just sign them with my normal handwriting.  Let's be honest, the kids are just grabbing the Nerds off and tossing the card anyways.  :) 

Well I better get going on those Valentine's.  Thanks to everyone that is following!  Special thanks to my dear friend Liz that is driving up every Thursday from IL to help me out.  She will be here all day with Jacob while we are in Madison!  Thanks LIZ! 

What's bedtime without a bowl of dip'n'dots first?!

 Jeez, amazing how much typing this blog helps me.  I sat down crying and I am walking away from my computer right now in such a better place.  Happy thoughts as I go to bed, nothing but happy thoughts.