Monday, February 3, 2014

Day One of Radiation is DONE!!!!

Well I did it, day one of radiation is over with!  The day started off kind of crappy.  I woke up at 3:45am and was awake for the day.  It's been awhile since this has happened.  I tried my best to fall back asleep but at 4:30 I realized it was useless and came out and sat on the couch.  I feel like Jamie can tell when I am awake, most likely because I am on my phone and he sees the light, go figure.  :) So I try and make sure he is at least getting good sleep even if I am not so I snuggled up on the couch in the dark with the iPad.  I finally fell asleep about again about 6am and Jacob woke up about 5 minutes later.  Typical.  Jacob woke up with a runny nose, a bad cough and a bad attitude.  We put on the movie The Croods (his new favorite) and snuggled.  Owen woke up around 7:30 and when I just mentioned that he was going back to school he had a full out melt down. Luckily as the morning went on he warmed up to the idea and by the time his ride showed up he was ALL smiles and ran out the door!  I can't even begin to tell you what a weight that was off my chest to have him happily on his way to school.

My sister Kim stopped over this morning too with flowers, cards and a huge jar of candy.  She was only here a few minutes and we were both kind of quiet.  I texted her later to apologize for being so silent but I knew if I talked at all I would cry and I was trying to hold myself together in front of the kids.  She said she felt the same way, wanted to say so much but also knew she would cry.  Well luckily for the kids, our social awkwardness saved them from a good early morning cry fest.  :)  Thanks again for stopping by Kim, even without a lot of words exchanged, it meant the world to me.

My radiation was at 10:45 this morning.  Jamie drove me and Jacob was with us this morning too.  The morning was so busy trying to get Owen excited about school and just getting Jacob packed up and out the door that I really didn't have too much time to think about the actual day.  I want to thank everyone that texted, left a message on Facebook, left a voicemail... I can't even express how much it mattered to me to know that I had SO many people in my pocket today thinking of me and praying for me.  

I felt so good and so strong all morning, I was SO ready and the second we pulled into the parking garage at the Cancer Clinic and Jamie rolled down his window to take his parking ticket I just broke down.  It was totally unexpected and out of nowhere, just started sobbing.  To be honest, I don't even know why I was crying.  I wasn't really scared for the actual treatment, I knew it would be painless.  I wasn't mad, I have never been mad at the situation for some reason, that day may come but it hasn't yet.  I think it was just the realization that this was real, that for the next 6-7 weeks I will be coming here every single day to fight this.  That in two or three weeks I will look like a lot of the other women I see here with head wraps or hats that look tired and sick.  Right now I feel like I still don't look the part of someone going through this.  Jamie grabbed and held my hand and just quietly whispered that he would be by my side every step of the way.  For those of you that know Jamie he is a man of FEW words so this was big for him.  He usually gets nervous and scratches his elbow.  So we drove around looking for a parking spot, holding hands while I cried and tried to compose myself.  

We got up to the radiation department and today I was certainly about 20 years younger than everyone else in the waiting room, I wondered if people looked at Jamie and I wondering which one of us was there for treatment and then thought about how in a few weeks it will probably be obvious that it's me.  Well at least I might lose some of this weight that I have put on from these stupid steroids (and possibly some of the amazing meals we have had lately but most definitely it's MOSTLY from the steroids, ha).  I stepped on the scale this morning, why I decided to weight myself today I have NO idea.  Anyways, the stupid scale has been flashing low battery for about 2 weeks now so it wouldn't give a weight.  Today the scale woke up and decided to shine that number nice and bold and I am officially up FIFTEEN pounds.  Yikes, I stepped on a few more times to verify and it kept giving me the same number.  Hope it goes back to low battery tomorrow. 

I know I have mentioned this before but EVERYONE that works in the Cancer Clinic is AMAZING!  I walked up to the check in desk only to have the woman sitting here, say "Hi, Alison, you are all checked it, good to see you!".  Just so nice.  Braden, one of the guys that will be working my machine everyday came out to get me.  He had a big smile and was so reassuring.  Jamie and Jacob came back with me, I wanted Jamie to see how everything worked for the treatments.  Here is a photo he snapped of me in the mask.  Not the best angle but he's not a professional photographer.  :)  The mask felt even TIGHTER this week if that is even possible.  Jeez, my poor nose had waffle marks for awhile afterwards.
 The actual radiation treatment is quick and painless.  They basically take a few scans to make sure everything is lined up to the EXACT right location.  I mean the move the table to the exact cm it needs to be in.  So it's about 5 minutes of scans.  I found myself laying there thinking about how amazing it was that we had this technology.  That these machines were created that are beating cancer!  I mean really think about it, someone had the idea that maybe we could use radiation to kill off cancerous cells and they built a machine and realized it WORKED that just a few minutes a day a few weeks and it could really work.  Imagine what may be around in 10 more years!  What kind of medical advances there could be!  Then I was interrupted from these totally random thoughts when I heard a tiny noise that sounded like a quiet electric buzz, I figured that must be the radiation starting.  Almost like I was standing to close to a bug zapper (minus the sound of bugs hitting it).  That lasted for what seemed like a minute or two tops and then it was over.  Radiation session #1 DONE!  Hopefully just 29 more to go!  Jamie and Jacob came into the room and we were on our way back to the car.  Easy as that.  I feel totally fine too.  I knew I would, they said people don't generally start feeling tired and run down until week two or three.

So the three of us decided to grab a quick lunch together.  Jamie and I both agreed it's SO weird being out with just Jacob and not having Owen along.  Jacob was tired and READY for a nap as you can see below.  When we got home both Jacob and I laid down for naps.  Felt good to sleep for a bit after being awake since 3:45.

Owen got home just after 3 from school.  He had a GREAT day!! I can't even begin to express how much I LOVE his school.  His teachers, his therapists, the other moms there, EVERYONE was there for him today.  I got texts through out the day letting me know he was doing great and was all smiles!  So nice to have him back with his buddies!  I know this will be good for EVERYONE!  When he got home he requested to make Chex Mix (him and Jamie make some pretty amazing homemade chex mix) so they ran to the grocery store and got everything they needed and made a big batch together. 

Well Jamie and I have decided to have a little movie/date night tonight.  He is waiting for me to come and sit on the couch with him.  He has a big bowl of the chex mix AND some AMAZING peanut butter brownies from Holli (thank you so much Holli, dinner was so good too).  But really I am still blaming all my weight gain on the medication!  :)

Thank you to EVERYONE for all the love today.  I am so lucky to have you all!  


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