Friday, February 21, 2014

An Emotional Few Days

So yesterday's post was titled "rollercoaster" day and today I guess I am changing that be just an emotional few days.  I have a few things lately that are making my emotions run extra high.  The first being Owen and Jacob.  They are still just really having a hard time, especially Owen.  Of all the stuff I am dealing with right now, seeing Owen not himself is by far the hardest.  He just seems so quiet and withdrawn.  My sister in law Lindsay was here all day today and got to witness how the boys interact with each other and it's not easy.  Owen is EASILY irritated and gets SO angry so quick.  Poor Jacob just tries to play with him or be silly and Owen will get mad and scream at him and then they both end up crying and usually they both end up running to me wanting attention and then fighting again over who gets to sit on my lap and get a hug.  I am doing my best to give them both what they need but I am only one person and generally the only person they seem to want.  This evening was much better.  Jamie was home and so he was able to spend some one on one time with Jacob while I was with Owen and then we switched.  It makes me sad that as of right now the two don't get along, I want them to bond as brothers and be buddies but that is just NOT the case right now.  We are trying our best to communicate with Owen that he needs to let us know if things are bothering him so we can help him.  We are noticing that he seems to get irritated easily by noises, Jacob is very noisy.  We are trying to teach Owen that instead of screaming at Jacob that he should just walk away or take a deep breath.  We are really just trying anything to help him through this.  It's just really hard to see. 

Then there is my hair, it's falling out non stop.  I knew it was going to happen but it still sucks and makes you sad every time you touch your hair only to find a huge clump of hair that falls out in your hand.   It just kind of added salt to my already sore wound today.  I think I have lost most of the hair that I will lose through radiation.  It's very random and not pretty.  I will share a photo below, I can't believe I am even going to share the photo.  I know in the grand scheme of things I should say big deal, you lost your hair, but it's also hopefully shrinking your tumor but I think I am still entitled to shed a few tears over it.  Poor Jamie, last night right before we went to bed I took a mirror and looked at the back of my head and I just lost it.  Jamie, as I have mentioned before, isn't the best with words but he really did his best and told me that he still loved me and that I was still beautiful and that he would be with me every step of the way.  He was so sweet but hearing him talk like that just made me laugh and smile because it's so not him.  I thanked him for his kind words and told him a hug would probably work just as well.

Well here it is, my current hair, still can't believe I am sharing these photos!  It started coming out about 48 hours ago and this is what it looks like tonight.  I am pretty sure I have lost most of what I will lose and the rest will stay in case I am able to figure out some way to rock this look.  The bald spots are the parts where the actual radiation is entering.  If I start chemo right after radiation the rest of the hair will go too.  I don't want to dwell on this as it seems so superficial. I never LOVED my hair to begin with but it definitely makes you shed a tear to see it go.  I thought maybe once I lost it I would feel strong and empowered like this was a battle scar, kind of like my c-section scars, so far I haven't felt that way, it still just kind of sucks.  Who knows, maybe the feeling of empowerment comes later.  Still deciding if I will shave my head or what, probably depends on if I will be starting chemo right away.

But I did find a package on my front porch today from the amazing Lindsey R.!  It was my wig!  Talk about an improvement!  I immediately put it on even though it was ice cold from sitting outside.  The coolness actually felt really good on my scalp!  What do you think?  Looks pretty natural doesn't it?  Pretty much looks like the hair I WISH I had and now I do!  I even wore the wig around Owen and he never even looked at me twice, like he didn't even notice!  I can't thank Lindsey enough for all her hard work to make this happen!  The color and style is just perfect!  Had I not just posted this online to thousands of people I doubt anyone would ever know it was a wig. :)

So ending my day on a happy note sitting here typing in my wig.  PLUS .... today marked the official HALF WAY mark of my radiation!  Three weeks down and three weeks left to go!  I can't believe how quickly this has gone so far.  I am beyond blessed to have the support I have had thus far.  Although I have had some rough days, I have also had some really amazing moments and met some really amazing people.  I am so honored that so many people are following my journey and that I have been given this voice to help others and can't wait to start to put some of my ideas into action at Froedert.  I am looking forward to spending the next week with my little sister Abi and baby Piper AND my mom who is in town!  Also looking forward to working with Jamie to figure out some things we can do to help Owen get back to his old happy self.  I know I can do this, I wouldn't have been given this all on my plate if God didn't think I was capable of doing this.  Just need to keep focusing on the good, what I can do TODAY to make a difference and not get too wrapped up in the future.  Just keep being true to myself, even though I am low on energy, being the silly mom I am, dancing, laughing and loving my boys with all my heart.... that's what is most important. 

Thanks for reading!  


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