I GOT THIS.

Saying hello to 2014

So it's officially 2014, I have seen so many Facebook posts over the last 24 hours about the start of 2014.  Some people loved 2013, some hated it.  Pretty much everyone seems optimistic for 2014, hoping it brings nothing but good and I am definitely one of those people hoping for LOTS of good stuff in 2014!

We spent the night last night at Jamie's sister Lindsay's house.  We wanted to just have a mellow low key night, especially since we went pretty much straight from my doctor's appointment.  The doctor appointment was EXHAUSTING.  I feared walking into the Cancer Center for the first time but walking in was no big deal.  We parked underground in the parking garage and walked in to the sounds of a nature cd.  The building is SO bright and calming.  EVERY single person that we encountered there was happy and upbeat.  It wasn't as scary as I thought it would be which is nice since I will be a frequent visitor.  We were there for almost 3 hours.  It was EXHAUSTING!  I really enjoyed their scale which had me weight the same as what I weighed my junior year of college when I was an All American in the 400 hurdles.  I have lost a good 12 lbs over the last 3 weeks due to stress but our scale still shows a higher number so when I jumped on the scale there and saw how low their number was I closed my eyes and pictured myself as that fit hurdler ready to take on the world!  Then I cringed as they took my height the pressed the little metal bar to the top of my wounded head.  :( 

We met with numerous people who poked at me, asked questions, gave us information and answered our questions.  The absolute worst part was listening to Jamie have to retell the series of events that led up to the seizure and then describe the seizure in great detail.  I was the one to sit in the back of the ambulance and witness Owen's first grand mal seizure when he was two years old and that was the absolute WORST moments of my life, visions of him that will never leave my mind.  Jamie's story of my seizure which he told with tears in his eyes and a quivering voice is exactly as terrifying as how I would describe Owen's seizure.  My heart just broke as he told the story and imagined the fear that had to be running through his body as listened to the 911 operators instructions on how to keep me breathing as he waited for paramedics to arrive.  Agh, I just hate that he had to experience that and that memory will be with him always.

We basically left the appointment feeling a little overwhelmed.  So much information, so much unknown and just a lot of stuff ahead of us.  I basically walked to our car in silence, got in closed the door and then just sobbed.

 We will be starting with radiation in late January.  I will be going in relatively soon for more imaging so they can start mapping everything out.  They will build a mask specifically for my face that I will wear for each treatment.  My tumor is right at the top of my head so I will essentially be loosing all the hair front to back right down the middle.  I know it's not a big deal and it will grow back but i really thought they would kind of shoot this thing from the area that was already shaved so that was kind of a bummer to hear otherwise.  Hopefully it grows back quickly.  I can pull off a baseball hat no problem BUT my big old camera that i use for taking photos and the brim of the hat don't mix.  In fact, they are INSANELY annoying together.  I'll figure something out though, my hair is the least of my worries at this point.  

We actually had a great night on New Year's Eve.  All the kids played together and we just relaxed and talked and hung out like everything was normal.  I even won our game of Texas Hold'em and it wasn't out of pity that people let me win.  I am using my winnings to buy a nice new bath mat for our bathroom.  We watched the ball drop at midnight, I even took a sip of champagne and then we all went to bed around 2am.  Jamie and I slept in our nephew Cooper's full size bed with Jacob in a pack'n'play to our left and Owen on his air mattress to the right.  Jamie slept fine, I was so glad he treated himself to a few captain and cokes, MUCH deserved but I could not sleep.  Finally fell asleep around 3:45 and was up at 5:45am.  

Today was rough.  I wasn't sure I wanted to share my thoughts on today because it was so crumby and to be honest I am kind of embarrassed but I was a mess.   I cried all morning, like the ugly cry that you can't control.  We left Lindsay and Billy's as soon as the kids were done eating breakfast and I just couldn't pull myself together.  Just stared out the window the whole drive home crying.  I HATE being like that, i know I am entitled to it and I know that it was bound to come sooner or later but it just sucks.  Sucks that my kids are in the back seat and I want nothing more to put on a brave face but today I just didn't have it in me.  We came inside and I just went and laid down in bed.  Cried myself to sleep but slept for three hours.  Woke up still crying, just the WORST!!  Jamie said it looked my face got stung by a jelly fish, that at least made me laugh for a minute.  Jamie was so sweet and tended to the boys all morning, made them lunch (he does 95% of the cooking in our house fyi, he's an amazing cook!) and got them down for naps.  I could tell that my mood was taking a toll on Jamie as well so I forced Jamie to lay down and from 1-3 all three of the boys napped and somehow I composed myself.  I ate some lunch, watched a little tv, organized some crap in our basement and pulled my shit together!   I took a nice long shower which slightly helped the jelly fish sting look... I think, looked in the mirror and thought, okay today sucked, tomorrow will be better!  Take a breath, move on... take some Tylenol for the THROBBING headache (aren't crying headaches the worst?) and go play with Owen and Jacob, they have been patiently waiting for you to come around all day.

So here's to tomorrow being a better day which I KNOW it will be.  My amazing friend Liz is coming in from IL for the day.  I can't wait to see her.  She texted me not long ago asking what kind of donuts I like, I like the sound of this visit already.

 {Long john with chocolate frosting and sprinkles in case you were wondering!}

Hopefully this works.. my first time posting a video.  Just a fun one of Jacob making a weird sound in his throat that I was pretending to be afraid of.  Can't help but smile at his giggle!

A few photos from New Year's Eve. In case you were wondering if your kids suddenly cooperate and take nice photos with you because you have a brain tumor the answer would be NO. :)  They still squirm and fight it.