Trying to return back to "NORMAL"
when everything seems anything but ...
Well today was Jamie's first official day back at work since all this happened. Not sure what I thought today should feel like, I knew I was somewhat excited at the thought of getting back to "normal" or whatever our new normal would be. Jamie hasn't really left my side since this all happened 16 days ago but there was proof very early this morning at just how different our new life would be. I woke up at 3am per usual and felt Jamie's hand on my hip in the darkness with my hand placed on top of it. Call me crazy but I snapped a photo in the pitch black of our room. You see, this just isn't Jamie. He is a LOT of great things but a snuggler is NOT one of them. Through our 9 years of marriage I have made many complaints about the lack of snuggling. For some reason he has no problem with 2 giant furry cats sleeping on him ALL night long but the second my toe even crosses the imaginary line in the middle of the bed and touches him INSTANTLY he is TOO hot and I need to scoot back to my side. It never really bothered me, I don't need him to snuggle me, he does plenty each and every day to SHOW me how much he cares for me and how much he loves me but it's something we always laughed and teased each other about. So this morning, waking up and seeing that he had put his hand on my hip and that we were actually holding hands as we slept really took my breath away. I laid there for awhile wondering if he had done it to comfort me or to comfort himself and then I realized it didn't matter. This was just the first proof that our new life, our new normal was just a little bit better than it was before. Now as you can see, we are no hand models but this photo speaks volumes to me of how we have already been changed... and for the better.
And to drill home the fact that our new normal is very different we woke up and got ready as a family and Jamie dropped me, Owen and Jacob off at the babysitter, aka my sister in law Lindsay's house for the day. I have been a stay at home mom for my boys since they were born so not being able to properly care for them myself is a definite change for me but it actually felt great to get out of the house. I think we were all getting a little stir crazy and a day hanging out with cousins and a whole house full of new Christmas toys was just the thing to break up the craziness. Plus it gave Lindsay and I time to actually catch up. We are best friends and usually talk twice every day and I have really missed just talking to her like old times. All of our family and friends have really stepped up in the past few weeks to help with anything and everything but I have to take a minute to specially thank Lindsay. As a mother, when something happens to you, your main concern is your kids. Who is caring for them, are they being loved the same way you would love them. Lindsay spent much of the time I was at the hospital at our house caring for Owen and Jacob. I can never thank her enough. It eased my mind to know she was here loving them and treating them JUST as I would while keeping a brave face on so they were none the wiser as to what was going on with mommy. She is an amazing sister-in-law, mother and friend and I owe her so much for being so amazing to my kids through out this process.
While we were at Lindsay's I got a call from Froedert and was able to schedule our meeting with the doctors that will be discussing our treatment options. The meeting is tomorrow at 2pm. I am really looking forward to learning more, hearing our options, getting an idea of when radiation might start so we can start setting a schedule and figuring things out but when I hung up the phone it kind of hit me that tomorrow I walk for the first time into the huge building at Froedert labeled CANCER CENTER. Is it just me or does this seem terrifying, that this building will now be a normal thing in our lives? I have tears streaming down my face right now just looking at the photo below of the building. Just last year I went to the specialties clinic right next door to see my OBGYN while pregnant with Jacob, how are we a year later and I am entering the Cancer Center? I still don't get it some days.
But tomorrow I must remind myself that "I GOT THIS".
Hold my head up high, walk into the building with courage and strength, be thankful that we have such an amazing facility so close to home, be thankful for the doctors that are going to make sure I live to see my boys grow up, get married, have children of their own. Feel the love and support from all those around me as Jamie and I walk through those doors for the first time tomorrow.
I GOT THIS.
It might be scary walking in there for the first time but this is just our new "normal" and this new normal can be even better than before and in some ways... it already is.