Friday, January 24, 2014

Mommy Pressures

So the last two nights I have been CRABBY.  I am tired, exhausted, my patience is low and it SUCKS.  It makes me feel so terrible.  I know that I have a lot of stress on me right now and I am not sleeping well; waking every morning at 4am would also explain the low mood at 6pm but I still feel like that through this whole ordeal haven't I learned that every minute with my kids is so precious and that I should enjoy every second I have with them?  How can I be low on patience with these two amazing boys that I am so lucky to have in my life?  What's wrong with me that I don't enjoy sitting and looking at costumes on Amazon for 10 hours straight with Owen, why don't I have more patience for Jacob as he gets down from his chair at dinner for the millionth time and yells NO right in my face?   Why aren't I still smiling and loving every minute of just being with them?  What is wrong with me, is my tumor changing my personality, am I am going to just turn into a crabby person that will scare my kids?  Is it my medication, the lack of sleep?  Or is it just the same problems that EVERY mom deals with every day regardless of their health? 

The truth is I DO love my kids to death but I am tired.  I spent 6 days at Children's with Owen, six very stressful and exhausting days and since we got home last Saturday I have left the house ONCE to go to a doctor's appointment for a few hours.  Other than that, I have been home caring for the two kids in our house from the moment they wake up to the moment they go to bed.  Yes, I know I should be happy that I have this time with them and trust me I AM happy I do but normally we would have school, trips to the grocery store, play dates, trips to fun places like Monkey Joe's or the Big Backyard but now we are just stuck at home.  Between my inability to drive, Owen still adjusting to medicine and this cold weather we have been stuck together in this house for a FULL week, it's no wonder we are all a little on edge with each other!  

So why is it that as moms we have to feel such guilt about it?  Why can't we just say, I need a break, a few minutes to MYSELF to regroup, refresh, recharge?  Why do you first have to question yourself and why you would NEED a break from your kids, they should be your whole world, right?  If you need a break from them, there must be something wrong with you.

Why didn't anyone ever tell you how hard being a mom really was?  How you are constantly second guessing your every move, wondering what others think of you and your mothering style.  No one tells you that you go to bed each night thinking "i should have been more patient, I should have spent more time playing today, I should have served healthier foods".  The pressures and guilt are endless.  

Why can't we stand confindently as mother's and KNOW that we do an amazing job each and every day?  Yes, some days are better than others but we are ALL amazing moms.  Some days you have time and patience for baking or art projects, some days you are in survival mode of all day snacks and movies and that's okay.  Our kids all think we are the BEST moms in the whole world and they are RIGHT!  WE ARE!  

Tonight, when Jamie got home at 6pm I told him that I needed a break.  I went into our room, closed the door and let him feed the boys dinner and give them both baths.  I laid in my bed for almost an hour.  For the first 10 minutes I laid there thinking how bad of a mom I was that I didn't want to be with my kids and that I was just sitting in my bed when they were right outside my room.  Then I though to myself "there is NOTHING wrong with taking a few minutes to yourself" and so I did just that.  I fell asleep for like 10 minutes and then watched a rerun of Tosh.O and came out at 7pm feeling like myself again.  I read both the boys books and put them both to bed and loved every minute of that.  Then came out and Jamie and I sat and talked about how we also need to make it a priority for me to get some time to myself.  I really haven't had much of it and it's starting to effect me.  Not that I need a lot but even just that hour this evening refreshing.  Why does it feel so wrong to admit you need an hour or two to yourself each week? 

Being a mom is no easy task.  I think as women and moms we need to stand together and encourage one another.  It's not a competition over pinterest crafts or who breastfed longer or who used cloth diapers, we should all be supportive of one another because being a mom is the hardest job there is so us moms need to stand united as each others biggest supporters!

Click on the link below to view another amazing blog on ending the mommy wars and showing support for fellow moms!  

So that is my post for tonight!  I have come to terms with the fact that I need to mark on the calendar a little time out of the house each week.  I am doing okay, I have great days with the boys but I think just having that little bit of time will really help me.  I also decreased my steriod dosage again today.  So I am now at a low level that I will continue through radiation to prevent my brain from swelling again.  HOPING that this decrease will lead to a decrease in swelling in my face, hands and torso.  Jeez!  I KNOW I should not be complaining about this but how can this medicine reduce swelling in your brain while making your face puff up like a chubby bunny!  I can literally see my cheeks when I look around they are so swollen?  Any one else out there experience this?  How long until it went away?  My face actually feels taunt, and not in a good way.  Not much I can do about it though. 

I will end this post with a few photos of the boys from the last two days.  We are just having fun running around the house.  Owen is doing REALLY well on his new medicine.  Seems more alert and has more energy.  We are very excited about this!

This photo is SO Jacob.  All he wants to do is jump on beds and he counts and then dives into the pillows.  He is counting with his fingers here but he counts like this "two, two, two, TWO!"  That's the only number he says!

Owen was so excited to receive this costume from his buddy Ben.  He wore it all day yesterday and today.  They also gave him as awesome Joker flashlight keychain that he carries around all day.  

So that's all for tonight!  Looking forward to the weekend and having Jamie home all day for two days.  Sunday I have a date planned with Lindsay to go to Mayfair!  Looking forward to that!  

As always, thanks for all the support!  We had some amazing meals this week!  A yummy soup last night from Cathy, delicious take out from Jessica tonight.  We have been so fortunate! 

Special thanks to Emily who squeezed Jamie in for a haircut tonight and then came to our house to cut both the boys hair.  She got a glimpse of the craziness that occurs when you have been stuck in your house for 6 days straight.  Thanks so much for putting up with us and thanks for the yummy desserts! 

Hope everyone stays warm and has a great weekend!

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1 comment:

  1. Alison....I am a friend of your mom's family and I have been following your journey..I just wanted to tell you that do have the right to say...I NEED A BREAK...being a mom is stressful eno ugh in ordinary take that break...scream into a pillow....stamp your deserve it....we are keeping you and yours in our prayers....He walks with you and will carry you through this


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