A really nice day that end in the dumps
... thanks to stupid Google.
Well today started out great. We all slept well last night and we had a playdate at our house this morning with my friend Christen and her little guy Carter. Jacob and Carter are so funny together, they don't really play together but just randomly walk around and play with stuff. They were both so cute with their nuks and blankies. Such tough guys. :)
Owen just hung out and played his iPad and Wii. He is about as close to 100% as you can get. SO happy to see him smiling, walking and even running around! Finally, my Owen is back.
Christen and Carter left after lunch and both my boys went down for nice naps. When they woke up I saw that our meal was delivered along with a bag of VERy generous gifts! Thank you SO much Kerry! The boys LOVED the presents, that was so thoughtful of you! There was even a second bag of gifts from another friend Corey who I have never met in person yet but has sent me many inspiring messages through Facebook.
It made for a really nice afternoon. Jamie has been so nervous about leaving me here by myself for any extended period of time no matter how much I INSIST we are fine. Well today I was on my own all afternoon and Jamie planned to work late to get caught up on stuff. Well for STUPID reason I decided to google my tumor. WHY! Why would I do this. Has ANYONE on the face of the earth EVER googled a medical concern and read through some articles and felt good about what they read? For the last probably 10 years every time I have googled something Google has diagnosed me with Lupus... I swear.. it is kind of a joke because ANY time I would search anything, ringing in ears, pain in foot, rash on neck, etc.. it would always come up saying I had Lupus. SO... that should have been my first clue not to google Grade II brain tumor. Well my first clue should have been that when we were given the extent of Owen's brain damage 5 years ago, the Google (well sorry Google, I guess I should say the internet but i am using your search engine in all fairness) told us he would have no quality of life, would never walk or talk and look at him now! Take that!
BUT..... I did exactly what I said I would NOT do, I typed in Grade II brain tumor prognosis. What comes up, expected life span...
Panic, fear, tears, trying to erase this from my memory, damn it, damn it, DAMN it why did I search this? In all fairness I THINK it said 70% make it to five years but I closed the window down on my phone as fast as I could and sat there crying. Scared, mad, sad, why was I so stupid to search this. Even if this IS the truth why burst my bubble? AND how could this be the truth? They think this tumor has been growing for a LONG time, could have already been in there for five years so NOW just because we know about we have to set a five year timer? Not true, I don't believe it. I call bullshit!
How can reading ONE line rock your world so much? I spent much of the afternoon and evening trying erase this from my memory, impossible to do in case you were wondering. Then thinking in 5 years Owen will only be 10, Jacob will just be turning 6, agh.... I can't even type my thoughts on this, just not fair, so unfair it just can't happen. I know people that have lost parents at a young age, just have memories of them I can't believe I could just be a memory.. not there in person. I HAVE to stop typing about this... I can't let my mind stay here. I just feel so crappy about this right now. Poor Jamie who I FINALLY convinced to stay at work because I would be FINE gets a text from me at 5:30 asking him to come home at 6:30 because I just googled stuff and really need a hug. :(
I feel so bad for Jamie. He has so much on his plate and the thought of him being a single dad at some point in the future just really is so heavy on my heart. He's such an amazing man and deserves to always have someone there with him every day of his life. Why the hell did this have to happen.
So I tried my best to compose myself in front of Jacob and Owen until Jamie got home. The boys are crazy so it's easy to get caught up in the moment and forget about everything else. Owen insisted on wearing his Joker costume all day again today. Jacob goes into Owen's room and comes out with all different combination of costumes that will always bring a smile to your face.
We ended the night with the boys snuggled in Jacob's room reading some books together. Tried hard to just enjoy the moment but it was hard. Tomorrow will be better I just know it. Need to regroup.. get some rest and get my head back in a good place.
I am SO excited for next week Tuesday. I told Jamie that I really wanted to have some family photos taken before I lose my hair. I spend 75% of my year capturing photos of other families and very rarely get any good ones of my own. Jamie told me to go for it. We have a session set up next week Tuesday with an amazing photographer with a studio downtown. Thank you SO much to Christine Plamann for working with us and offering such a generous package to our family. Below are a few of her images, her work is AMAZING! She truly captures the love and emotion of a family! I am so excited to have her capture some timeless photos of me and my three guys! Here are a few of her photos.... AMAZING right?!
Feel free to check out her website
to see more of her work by clicking the link below.
You can also find her on Facebook
Be sure to thank her for helping us on our journey
Well that's all for now. I need to get to bed early.
Send over any happy vibes you've got. I kind of need them today.
Or just any "hey dummy, don't google this shit!" reminders!
Tomorrow I have a bunch of testing at Froedert from 9:30 to probably 1pm to get my baseline for all my cognitive functioning PRE radiation and then we have Owen's Kindergarten open house in the evening. Can't believe my sweetie pie will be in KINDERGARTEN next year! How did that happen?!
Alright, thanks for all the support! Night!
DISCLAIMER - I did not proof read this before publishing, don't have the energy. Forgive any typos or errors.
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