So long month 8

Well I have officially completed EIGHT months of chemo!  Hell to the yeah!  Only four more rounds to go!  We actually had to push my eight month of chemo back a week since my blood work wasn't looking so hot.  So I got a full four weeks off between my 7th and 8th round and I was put on a slightly lower dose. So last month wasn't terrible.  With my first few rounds of chemo, the end of my actual chemo week and the FOLLOWING week I would be REALLY tired.  As in sometimes I needed a 3 hour nap within an hour or two of waking in the morning.  Now I don't seem to have such highs or lows, I just feel pretty tired all the time but honestly, that could just be Jacob and Owen that are wearing me out.  If I had to estimate I would say I feel like I am running at about 70% of my normal energy.  Whatever... it's manageable, I can't complain.  

It will be so strange when my energy level gets back to 100%.  I know that it can take up to a year to fully recover from chemo and radiation so it might still be awhile but it will be nice when that time finally does come around.  For now I am just thankful for how well my body has been tolerating all the crap being throw at it.  I am thankful that my boys will sit and watch a movie when I am tired.  I am thankful that Jamie is such a great man who is behind me every step of the way.  

I had an MRI yesterday and saw my neuro oncologist today for the results.  I went to my MRI alone yesterday.  Jamie usually is able to come with me for all my appointments but he is crazy busy with work right now and honestly I am just laying in the huge MRI machine for like 30 minutes so there isn't much for him to do.  Well usually I just think random thoughts during my scans but yesterday I got kind of emotional in there.  Thinking about how next week will mark ONE YEAR since that scary seizure and the diagnosis of my brain tumor.  I don't recommend getting emotional in the MRI machine.  In case you haven't had an MRI of your head or brain (which I assume most of you haven't) this is what it looks like

 This is obviously NOT me and this is obviously NOT from anytime in the last 15 years.  Machine still looks the same but the nurses are not in starched white gowns.  I lay on a flat bed, get a comfy wedge prop under my legs and your head has a cage thing around it.  Your head is stuffed with padding so there is not room for movement at all.  I always get a nice warm blanket put over me and you hold onto this little squeeze ball thing (note the thing in the person's hand above) and then they basically feed you into the machine.  If you need anything you squeeze the ball and you can alert them to anything that is wrong.  Well today I desperately wished that squeeze ball thing was really thing of eos chapstick which are shaped just about identically because my lips were SO chapped.

 Anyways, back to my story about the MRI machine being a bad place to get emotional. So I am laying there thinking about the entire last year, I can feel the tears start to well up in my eyes but you can't do anything about it.  I really don't like letting people see me cry and all I kept thinking was "I wonder if the people running the machine can see my face right now".  I am pretty sure they can.  Slowly the tears fill my eyes and start to slowly run down my face.  I am trying so hard to hold myself together.  There is barely enough to form a full tear but just enough to make it run down my face on each side and the tears go SO slow.  Like literally it must have taken 3 minutes to run from the outside corner of my eye to the padding packed around my head that is MAYBE an inch away.  You want so bad to reach up and swipe it away or just shake your head a tiny bit to hurry the tear on it's way but you can't.  So you just have to sit there and hope that if the techs are able to see you that they aren't looking right now.  Man, I can be in such a great mood and one sad thought and I am a wreck.  I was emotional for the first few minutes and then composed myself by passing the time thinking of what else I needed to buy for Christmas.

The MRI went well and we saw my doctor today and got the good news that everything is stable. No changes in my brain tumor. My bloodwork looked good too which means I can start my ninth month of chemo this coming Monday.  I was happy to hear that because I really didn't want to be on chemo the week of Christmas.  Now I can get it over with next week and enjoy food and DRINKS with my family at all the fun Christmas get togethers. 

In other earth shattering news........

I got my hair cut and colored today and went outside for the FIRST time in nearly 10 months without a wig or hat on. 

I thought this day would never come.  I still miss the days of long hair and hope to get back to that but for now... this is what I have got to work with.  I can't thank Emily enough for the great cut and color.  We laughed a lot during my hour with her.  I joked about how I felt so womanly as she trimmed up my mullet with the electric clippers.  I feel a little like Peter Pan but it could be much worse.  I picked up Jacob from school today and sported my newly cut and colored hair.  First time in about 10 months walking out of our house without a wig or hat.  I was crying before I even got out of the car.  I felt so weird, almost felt like I was walking around naked....this will definitely take some getting used to.  I am so lucky that I have such a great support system everywhere I go.  I got out of my car crying and instantly ran into four other amazing moms who were so supportive while we all walked in together.  When I walked into Jacob's room to grab him the lights were off as the kids were just waking up from their naps.  Another one of the moms noticed me crying while I grabbed Jacob and was so sweet and gave me a hug and said "life's messy, you are amazing and you look beautiful".  I could have never made it through this last year without the love and support I get from every single person in my life.  To anyone that saw me today while I was walking around crying or posted on my Facebook page with words of encouragement.. thank you so much for the love.  This year has been a journey and that is putting it lightly. 

I hope to have another blog up on Monday night as that will be the ONE year marker but for now....

Here is the new hair.  

Fun Fact:  I got lots of support and positive feedback when I posted this on Facebook.  Well I will have you know, my hair isn't just so adorable that I snapped this selfie and posted it.  I took about 50 photos, dug through my purse to find lip gloss, moved my car for better lighting, tried a million different angles to get a photo that I wasn't too embarrassed to post.  I have left the wig off all evening and the shorter hair is growing on me.  Every photo of me from now until forever will probably be from this angle because the other side of my head received a LOT more radiation and my hair is really thin.  Jamie said we should just spray my scalp to help fill it in.  Thanks hun! 

Alright, off to eat some Cookie Dough ice cream that Jamie brought home from Kopp's.  :)  


 AND LASTLY....  If I am done with the wigs I can pass them onto this guy.  :)

Night!