Back to being Mom

I realized I haven't blogged in awhile, I've been pretty tired lately so after I get the boys to bed I have been cleaning up and doing all those things that every other mom out there does after she gets her kids to bed and then I am too tired to type anything.  The boys went to bed early tonight, both asleep by like 7:10pm so I got an earlier jump start on stuff.

This week has been great!  It's SO nice being able to drive, I can't even explain it.  It has been so weird to drive AND not have radiation.  The actual radiation treatment was so quick but driving there, parking, getting treatment, driving home, etc took up most of my mornings.  So now I feel like I have so much time in my day.  I feel like I am getting back into the groove of things.  

When I first found out about my brain tumor it was like everything changed.  Not only did I have a whole new outlook on life but my life in general just changed so much. I was just texting with a girlfriend today about it.  Krista has been so sweet throughout the entire process sending me the sweetest texts at random points throughout all this encouraging me and sending positive thoughts my way.  Well I was texting her today saying how although the last six weeks flew by, they were so strange.  There was constantly someone here caring for my kids, other people were driving Owen to and from school, I hadn't been taking any pictures as I had no energy (i LOVE photography), I was kind of starting to wonder what my place in the world was all about.  If I am not the main care taker for my kids anymore and photography was no longer part of my daily routine....who was I?  What was my identity?  It's hard to explain.  Even just being a stay at home mom, I feel sometimes start to loose your identity.  Your days all run together, it makes no difference if it's Monday or Friday; you wake up, care for the kids from sun up to sun down and you go to bed and do the same thing the next day.  There are no raises, no promotions or positive feed back from bosses or managers.  Don't get me wrong I LOVE LOVE LOVE being a stay at home mom but sometimes you lose yourself.  Well now all of sudden imagine that you are a stay at home mom but there are other people there helping care for your kids.  I know my goal these past few weeks was to let my body rest and I am FOREVER thankful to everyone that helped with Owen and Jacob but it all felt very strange to me.  Left me in bed at night wondering who I was, what my purpose was... like I had lost my identity.

Well now I am back to FULL TIME mom, it's everything I wished for and more and by more I mean, I am back to calling Jamie asking WHEN he will be home because the kids are driving me nuts.  :)  Monday I got to drive Owen to school by myself!  AMAZING!  Then Jacob and I went and got gas, got a car wash and went to the grocery store.  As we walked through the produce and Jacob and I talked about all the fruits and vegetables, I started to tear up.  This was what I missed!  Just being out and about talking about the simplest things with my kids.  I told Jacob how to pick an avacado that was ripe but not TOO ripe, how it's so hard to find good strawberries, how I wanted to buy a mango but know nothing about what qualifies a mango as a "good" mango to buy, Jacob saw grapefruits and INSISTED we buy them.  I think he thought they were oranges, I tried showing him the real oranges but he was dead set on grapefruits so we bought three of them.  I held the bag as Jacob placed the three grapefruits in as he counted "two, two, two".  That is how he counts, no matter how much we practice he only says "two". I didn't have grapefruit on my list of stuff to by but Jacob was not leaving without them.  Lucky for him, Owen LOVES grapefruit and ate TWO of them for breakfast the next morning.  Come to find out, Jacob loves them too. 

I am even enjoying the struggle to get into school each morning.  Carrying Jacob along with Owen's backpack, lunch box and huge bag of boots, snowpants, gloves, etc.  Trying to keep Jacob in my arms while he screams to get down and walk, yelling at Owen to not run and look out for cars, yelling at Owen this morning to make sure his umbrella doesn't hit anyone's car.  Yes, I know it was only a drizzle but he got a Batman umbrella for Christmas that he has been dying to use.  It's hectic but I am glad that I am able to do it.  Tomorrow is Muffins with Mom's at Owen's school.  I am SO excited for that!  To have like 30 minutes to spend with just Owen.  We rarely get one on one time these days and we need it.  I just told Jamie today that I am making a once a week date with Owen, going somewhere just me and him.  I miss my alone time with him. 

The weather has been a little warmer here too which is amazing!  We went to the zoo Monday afternoon.  

 I just love living 10 minutes from such a great zoo.  We can go there for an hour after we pick up Owen from school to pass some time before dinner.  Jacob loved the elephants, Owen is in love with this huge cow named Molly.  Owen jumped in every puddle he came across even though I yelled EVERY time not to, the boys fought the entire time over who got to stand in the back of our stroller and when we got back to our car Jacob FREAKED out because he didn't want to go home.  How do kids perfect the art of screaming and arching themselves so it is nearly impossible to buckle them into their car seat unless you basically karate chop their hips to get their butt on the seat?  Please tell me Jacob isn't the only one that does this!  Owen NEVER did this!  You think the kids would give me a break and just behave for a week or so, yeah right... who am I kidding?  I wanted to go back to being mom, well this is it. It's not always rainbows and butterflies, some days are magical and amazing and some days are what I call survival days.. you just do what you can to keep your sanity until bedtime.  I am so glad that I am back at it though, I will take whatever day the boys want to throw at me!

Well that's about it for tonight.  I have been feeling pretty good lately.  Still really tired, trying to nap everyday which doesn't always work out.  Really the only annoying radiation side effect I am dealing with is fullness in my left ear.  They told me about this before radiation in the list of possible side effects and at first I thought I was getting a cold but here I am three weeks later and I still feel it.  Basically just feels like you have water in your ear, like when you go swimming except I can't tilt my head to the side and jump up and down to get it out.  So it's been like three weeks of that sensation but it's really not a big deal.  Tomorrow my parents are coming in town for the day so I am looking forward to seeing them.  My mom and I are heading downtown together, I am getting a massage and my mom is getting a cut and color.  Still trying to decide if I leave my wig on for the massage and just ask them not to massage my head or take it off and let them see my bald head.  Jamie is the only one that has seen my without a hat or wig, well actually and Emily who trimmed my mullet last week saw it too.  I guess I will have to see how I feel in the moment, if I have the courage to remove the wig.  Aghh.... decisions, decisions!  

Well I am off to shower and then head to bed.  Thanks for reading and thanks for all the support and love!

And I have to say thanks again to Karate America.  We are still in awe of the amazing event you put on this past weekend for Owen.  In case you missed my post regarding this, please click the link below.
 
KARATE AMERICA FUNDRAISER