Tuesday, January 27, 2015

Ten Months of Chemo DONE!

 I have been meaning to post for awhile and have just been too run down and tired.  I have had a bit more energy these last few days so thought I would get my butt on here to write a blog and update everyone.

I finished month 9 of chemo right before Christmas.  Can you even believe I just have three more rounds to go?!

Here are a few photos from Christmas.  We had a great time.  Got to spend lots of time with my family and Jamie's family.  We are so lucky to have such a fun and supportive family.  Owen and Jacob were so cute this year.  I am really loving watching them become "friends".  Jacob is talking a ton now so the two of them have the funniest conversations.  Jamie and I will just sit and listen to them sometimes.  I can't believe how old they both seem already.  :(  What happened to my babies?!

I had my very last blood draw for 2014 on New Year's Eve.  Crazy to think how much time I sent at the Cancer Center in 2014.  After that we spent the night at a friends house and had a great night celebrating and hanging out with all the kids. 
 My hair is finally starting to get a little longer.  I am TERRIBLE at styling it.  I am always walking around with random pieces sticking up.  I feel like a girl version of Alfalfa but it's growing so I can't complain.  I am actually on the verge of having a real hair style and you can't see all the bald spots on the right side of my head, exciting!

(Don't mind the messy counters)

I just finished up month 10 of chemo last week.  TWO months left!  I can't believe that I have 10 months of chemo completed.  

I was really thinking (and hoping) that my last few months of chemo would be easy and that I would kind of finish strong with a big adrenaline rush from the excitement of being done.  That really hasn't been the case.  I am SO tired.  I wake up everyday between 6:30 and 7am and could literally nap EVERY single day by 9am.  Too bad that schedule doesn't work well with two little kids.  On the days that Jacob goes to daycare I will usually nap from 10-1.  I often end up falling asleep in the afternoon too.  TIRED!  I used to just be tired a few days the week after I completed my chemo.  Now I am tired almost all month long.  I usually have 5-7 days where my energy level is up and then I start the next round of chemo.  TWO more months to go!  I know I can do it. 

I thought I would be really excited to be done with chemo but as the end is almost here I am actually kind of sad and confused.  I had similar feelings when I finished radiation.  When I am taking my chemo meds I feel like I am actively FIGHTING the cancer, like I am being proactive.  When I am done with chemo I feel like I will just be waiting around for the tumor to wreak havoc on our lives again.  It will feel strange to do nothing even though I still have this large tumor in my head. I guess you just get used to it and hopefully as time passes you think about it less and less.  Although that is hard to do when I will still be getting MRIs every two months.  

The other thing I am really struggling with right now is how to go back to "normal" life.  I will be done with chemo in March and I am already wondering what my new normal will be like.  I just spent 15 months with my life revolving around doctor's appointments, MRI's, raidation, chemo, blood draws, planning things around the weeks I know I will have energy.  Now all of a sudden, most of that will be gone and I can go back to my normal life but I am not the same person as I was before all this happened.  It's very strange knowing that at some point in the future I will likely be sick again and could go through this whole process again.  I am just in this weird window of trying to live a normal life.  It's hard to explain.  I have always said that I don't want to know the statistics on my tumor but it's making it hard for me to figure out what I want to do as I move forward after chemo.  For those of you thinking, but why would you think about the tumor coming back, what if it doesn't come back?  That isn't really the case.  We have been told from the get go, I will do radiation and chemo to stabilize the tumor and keep it from growing and then we monitor it and pray the tumor stays stable as long as possible.  Could stay that way for 40 years or it could start growing and causing problems in two years.  We have always been told it's not and IF the tumor will grow again, it's WHEN.  I truly believe it will stay stable for a long time but there is always that what if in the back of your mind.  I guess as time passes you just get used to it and maybe don't think about it as much?  That is what I am hoping.  This isn't a cancer that goes into remission, I mean even if you do have a cancer that is in remission you still fear it coming back.  I am moving forward with basically the same size brain tumor as when we started, we just killed off any living growing cancer cells.  

So I have been thinking a lot about just want I want to do with myself this spring and summer.  Obviously I want to spend a ton of time with Owen and Jacob.  Last summer I was so pretty run down so I look forward to being super mom this summer and doing all sorts of fun things with them.  I am also really looking forward to getting back into my photography.   This is a passion of mine and has been a great escape for me.  I have also decided to get back into shape.  I have been an athlete my whole life (well more so before I met Jamie, love you Jamie) and I think I want to take some time to myself to get in shape.  I have decided to sign up for a half marathon in June!  AHH!!!   I announced it on here... now I really have to do it.  I am going to do the Rock'n'Sole half marathon.  I think my sister in law Niki is doing it as well as my dad and my sister Kim and her husband Adam.  Anyone else want to join us?  I am going to start training next month.  Yikes!

Well that's about it.  Sorry this was kind of all over the place. That is kind of how I feel lately.  One day I want to take on the world, the next day I am crabby and need to sleep all day.  Here's to hoping the last two months go smoothly and that my tumor stays stable for years and years and YEARS!!!!!!!

Thanks again for all the support!  One last photo of Jacob who is now potty trained.  His little butt is SO cute in his undies and one more of Jamie and I snuggling Owen.  

Good night!

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