Friday, December 27, 2013

A special THANK YOU!
Photo taken tonight, my hair doesn't look half bad.  :)

Sorry for two posts today.  I wanted to post with my doctor's update as I knew I had a lot of people waiting and praying for the results and didn't want to leave anyone hanging but I need to take the time to officially thank EVERYONE!  I can't even tell you how the outpouring of love and encouragement has carried us through these last two weeks.  I can't even believe that it was just two weeks ago that I was just a normal mom without a care in the world and to wake up in the middle of the night out of NOWHERE with a numb foot, have a grand mal seizure, be diagnosed with a brain tumor and taken in for brain surgery all within 24 hours is just crazy. 

These last 11 days awaiting the biopsy results have NOT been easy.  I am a positive person and have kept my blog posts positive but I have had thoughts that I would never wish upon another person.  When Owen and I were taking down our Christmas tree yesterday I couldn't help but let my mind wander.   Each time I took the ornaments off the tree, back into the box and then back into the big bin I kept wondering ....
"What if this is the last time I pack this Christmas tree up?" 
"What if I am not here next Christmas"
"Will Jamie and the boys even be able to enjoy putting up a Christmas tree without me?"
"Will the boys always know how special Christmas was to me, how I took such great pride in my tree, how the Gingerbread boy ornament is my absolute favorite, that the huge sneaker ornament was a gift from my mom my senior year of high school when we made it to state in basketball"

But then I had Owen standing there with me so I couldn't cry, I had to be strong, had to enjoy this time with Owen in case is WAS my last time.  I wouldn't want to leave it on a sad note, so I took a breath, told him stories about all the special ornaments as we wrapped them one by one and put them away.

Night times have been the worst.  Last night I woke at 3:20 thanks to a puking cat and never fell back asleep.  How do you sleep when you know that today is the day you find out if you have cancer?  And at night, I never felt bad for myself.  I felt and still feel that I can and will handle all this.  I know my kids will be loved and cared for but I felt so bad for Jamie.  I truly have the most amazing husband in the world.  I know he would love our boys like none other and would help them to remember me everyday of their lives but I felt so bad at what a lonely life he would have and how it's just not fair.  He's the sweetest and most giving person in the whole world he deserves the best, everyday and always. And when I would find myself laying awake in bed crying and thinking these thoughts I would check my phone and would always have a text, an email a facebook post or message from someone encouraging me, cheering me on.  Some were from close friends, some were from people from high school, people I competed with in track in high school, other times complete strangers just letting me know they were praying for me.  It kept me going, helped me get my mind back in the right spot.  Made me remember again that I GOT THIS!!

Today on  Facebook past customers have been changing their profile pictures to photos I have taken with them and their kids, it makes my heart smile.  I told Jamie I didn't know how I would be able to compose myself to take photos again, that I will be an emotional wreck but I can tell you that I am SO inspired by the events of the last two weeks.  I feel so strongly about how I have lived my life up to now and how I will continue living life everyday.  I want to continue creating memories for my own kids, memories of special events but memories of just every day life as well.  I want to share my gift of photography, want to continue giving families photos that they can share and treasure forever.  I thought I knew how special a photo was but I have a WHOLE new appreciation for it.  

I have always been Owen's #1 supporter through all his struggles, whether it be seizures, struggles with his speech or gross motor or just having a hard time adjusting to new meds.  I have a WHOLE new appreciation for everything this child has overcome so far and I will continue to be the biggest supporter of him each and every day of his life.  

I feel honored that I was able to touch so many lives in the last two weeks and remind everyone how important it is to appreciate the moment.  Life is crazy and hectic and sometimes we loose what is important.  I have NEVER loved my kids more, I have never been happier to hear the sound of Jacob stirring in his crib at 6:30 am, never been happier to see the smile on Owen's face when he comes out of his room in the morning, never loved my husband more or realized how much I need him by my side.  I have been lifted up by my family, my friends, strangers, I can never thank everyone enough.  I can only hope to pass this all along at every chance I get.  
I know that we still have scary stuff ahead, radiation will be no cake walk and I will still have some crummy days and numerous MRIs each year for life that will leave me waiting for a week in limbo for results praying the tumor isn't growing but I choose to see the positive.  I choose to be happy, to love life, love my family, love my support system and to look at all these future MRIs as just another reminder to slow down and appreciate the absolutely perfect and wonderful life that i have.

So thank you again, for the texts, emails, messages, meals, donations, prayers.  From the bottom of my heart and Jamie's... THANK YOU!  Now go hug those kiddos and read that extra bedtime story with a smile on your face!  :)

 After dinner tonight I couldn't find Jamie and Owen and I found them snuggled up in our room looking through the photo books I made Owen for Christmas this year of all the photos from the past year.  Made my heart smile!

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